Are Neurodivergents being Sidelined in Counselling Training?

I am starting to wonder if this is the case, after my own personal experiences and conversations with other Neurodivergents who have gone through the training program

I am going to preface by saying I am really enjoying my counselling training so far, and I am finding it immensely rewarding. However, I am considering whether approaches within the course could be more inclusive of neurodivergents.

Last week there was pressure to participate in eyeball gazing for five minutes; this week two classmates were told to pick their own teammates for an activity.

Remembering being picked last in PE, and the avalanche of humiliation and shame that inevitably followed 🥹

Leading up to this week’s session, I had been anxious about the what the students and trainers thought of me following my inability to participate in the previous week’s eyeball activity. As I reflected in last weeks blog post, that experience caused me profound anxiety and shame that lingered for days.

But that was now behind me, and there I was, immersed in this week’s session. Everyone was very warm and friendly towards me, and I was feeling confident and more at ease.

I was also bracing myself for another scenario where I may be catapulted out of my comfort zone.

And then it happened.

Halfway through the session, two students were chosen at random by the trainers and told to stand up and each pick members for their team until two teams were formed.

The identical approach to PE teachers at school 😬

I dreaded PE days at school for this reason.

The humiliation when two classmates would be picked as captains by the teachers and told to pick their teams. The captains were always the popular favourites who were excellent as PE, competitive, and did not want anyone with the coordination of a newborn elephant on their team.

The build up of humiliation and shame as everyone who wasn’t me got picked, until there was just me and another coordination challenged girl left.

Occasionally the captains would even argue over who wouldn’t have us on their team😭 I’d fake laugh over the jeers and laughing and pretend not to care while blinking back tears.

You guys are the funniest and I am not crying

Logically, I understand that I was picked last because I was horrendously bad at any sport I was forced to participate in. In other subjects, I wasn’t chosen last. But the overwhelming sense of rejection and shame clouded that logic, and I would spiral and ruminate privately for days afterwards. And I am not the only one. I have spoken to many other neurodivergents about this. I don’t know anyone who went through this experience in school and didn’t feel traumatised by it.

The embarrassment of being picked last can last a lifetime, and you might find yourself lamenting on this when on dates or at parties

I watched my classmates stand up and look at us uncomfortably.

Don’t panic! I told myself. This is not school!

But in that second I was at school, in the sweat scented PE hall, standing awkwardly waiting to be not chosen. Bracing myself for the avalanche of humiliation and shame.

I pushed away this flashback and focussed all my energy on not being consumed by panic like last week.

This time, I will maintain my composure I told myself firmly.

I’m not sure how successful I was at keeping a neutral face. I think my classmate who was picking team members may have seen my panic and taken pity on me. I was not picked last, I was picked second in fact.

Selfishly I felt relief when she picked me. As I watched people getting picked one by one until they were two last people, I felt bad for them. I felt vicarious RSD, and guilt for feeling relieved that it wasn’t me.

Are neurodivergents being sidelined?

At the end of our sessions, we have half an hour set aside for classmates to reflect their feelings and experiences of the activities.

I was the first to volunteer to contribute my two pence regarding this final activity. I asked the trainers if they selected this approach to choosing team members on purpose in order to improve our resilience? Potentially because we might face rejection as therapists?

I added, many adults are traumatised from this exact experience at school.

A few people nodded and agreed. The trainers smiled and said yes, they’d like to see us out of our comfort zone.

Maybe they have a point.

But it’s important to consider that we do a lot of sharing in our counselling training group, it needs to be a safe place where we feel open and we are able to do this.

It is a fine line to tread between pushing out of our comfort zone into the growth zone and causing harmful distress, as the infographic below shows:

Creating too much anxiety can cause distress and hinder growth. Taken from https://www.jamesakinsmith.co.uk/blog/comfort-zone/

Surely it would have been beneficial to explain the rational to us afterwards and to check in with those who were picked last see whether they’re ok?

To be fair, they did these things. Kind of.

They affirmed to me that this was their intention when I asked them. Then, after I said that many adults are traumatised from this experience at school, they turned to the two who were picked last and asked if they were ok. They both replied that it wasn’t exactly warm fuzzy feeling. (Not a verbatim quote)

As this was a response to me addressing what happened, I wondered if they would have explained or checked in with the students if I had not have said anything.

I reflected on this over the next couple of days, and I cannot see how it would be helpful to experience rejection by a group of people that we need to be open with and trust for the next significant period of time. I don’t feel it would improve resilience when there was no support, reflecting or explanation until I asked for one.

Feedback from the neurodivergent community

Of course, I shared my experience with my IRL neurodivergent group and asked for their feedback.

Their feedback was unanimous. They were horrified, and some shared that memories of this nightmare experience still caused embarrassment and shame for them today.

Then one of the members said something that really stuck with me. Quoted with permission to share:

“Sadly I suspect a part of the reason the course remains so ND unfriendly is because of dated stereotypes around autistic people lacking empathy and the idea that someone who's ND would need too much support or have too many issues themselves to possibly be able to help others (not considering we might want to counsel other ND people and not NTs) No needs to worry about how people like us would get on on the course if they view the idea of it happening as unthinkable in the first place.”

Of course!

There it is, that harmful and pervasive myth that we lack empathy.

It stands to reason that if there’s a belief we lack empathy, it would follow that people might also think we’d make terrible therapists.

However we don’t lack empathy. This myth has its roots in outdated models of understanding autism and other neurodivergent conditions, a poor understanding of the complexity of what empathy is, and the double blind empathy problem.

My amazing neurodivergent therapist told me that she found her counselling course to be very neurodivergent unfriendly. She told me that at the start of her course, there were 30 students, and that only 13 made it to the end.

I wonder if any of those 17 didn’t make it were neurodivergent, and could have made it through with better support and inclusivity.

Did the world lose out on 17 potentially excellent neurodivergent therapist who could have helped other neurodivergents?

Of course we will never know. but I have made up my mind to not be one of those statistics. I will hang on tightly and not let go, no matter what the course throws at me. Like how Rose clung to the door after the Titanic sank.

I’m not letting go no matter how difficult it gets

What are your thoughts?

Did you have some experiences at school?

Am I right to be outrage or should I toughen up?

Let me know …