Find your Neurodivergent Tribe

The key to unmasking and living life authentically is finding your tribe

There was a transient time in my life, sometime between when I started drastically reducing my alcohol intake five years ago and typing these words, where I briefly considered that I might be an introvert. This was because without copious amounts of alcohol to drown out my anxiety and unease, I started to dread social situations. Reflecting back, I realise now how anxious and drained I would feel before, during and after social events. I now believe that I wasn’t an introvert, I felt anxious and drained because I was masking more than Jim Carey in that film I don’t remember the name of.

What is Neurodivergent Masking? 

Masking is when us neurodivergents hide or suppress our natural Neurofabulous behaviour to try to appear to be 'normal' and fit in with the neurotypicals. We do this when we feel that our neurodivergent behaviours will not be accepted.  

Masking is imitating neurotypical behaviours. For me, masking is about trying my best not to ‘be weird’. 

As is typical with many neurodivergents, I am hyper-empathetic, so I can sense in a nano second when I have made things weird. The disapproval of others changes the energy instantly and floods me with shame and panic, and that experience is what I desperately try to avoid. 

When masking, I carefully analyse and interpret social cues, facial expressions, and body language, and I am constantly vetting my own responses so as not to say anything too crazy. I mimic the appropriate emotional reactions and try to match the conversational style of those around me. I fixate on making the 'appropriate’ amount of eye contact, I try really hard not to interrupt or overshare or talk too loudly and excitedly. I try my best to impersonate 'normal’ and emit strong neurotypical vibes.

What does masking look like? 🎭

No knock knock jokes 🚪

Masking means not talking about special interests and hyper fixations, feeling that to do so would be seen as 'weird'. For me that means no gossip about my herd of guinea pigs, only very limited  space facts, and not discussing theories about multiverses or ancient civilizations! Also less puns and no made up knock knock jokes!!  

Calm down please 🙌

I am prone to over-excitedness which causes negative responses. 'Calm down please!' is a phrase that is no stranger to my ears. It is steeped in disapproval, making me tamp down my enthusiasm to sidestep those awkward, uncomfortable moments. Neutral calm smile, emit those Neurotypical Vibes! 

Shush with your Sensory Struggles 🤫

Many of us neurodivergents have sensory differences, meaning  heightened sensory sensitivities and aversions. We will often quietly endure discomfort such a loud noises or strong smells, to avoid appearing 'difficult' or 'different' during social interactions. Unfortunately, being exposed to overwhelming sensory experiences can trigger fight and flight responses in our body, so sitting there silently while our senses are being assaulted can feel like a battle of endurance, not dissimilar from The Plank.  

Actual footage of a neurodivergent battling sensory assault while trying their best to give off neurotypical vibes

The Cost of Neurodivergent Masking 

Masking helps us navigate the neurotypical world, but it comes at a big expense to our mental well-being. The continuous effort to fit in creates a chasmic disconnection from our true selves, fuelling anxiety, loneliness, lack of identity and a sense of being perpetually misunderstood. For some, relief is sought in unhealthy coping mechanisms like overdrinking, a temporary escape that is as destructive as the anxiety it aims to quell. The next day hangxiety is hellish, I did this for years and I don’t recommend it as a way of life!

Prior to my diagnosis and meeting my tribe I used to always overdrink at parties. I also masked heavily. Suppressing my genuine self-expression felt unnatural, draining and a betrayal to myself. It is exhausting vetting every response before it comes out.  

Did I drink alcohol as a coping mechanism? Yes. Did I regret chuggling the cocktail in this picture? Also yes. Was the Hangxiety it caused Next Level? It sure was!

Social interactions become even more confusing and overwhelming when we focus all our energy on diligently adhering to The Neurotypical Rules. This may mean that we lose track of what is being said as we smile and nod in what we hope to be a very neurotypical way. 

We  mask so that we feel accepted, but the anxiety and mental drain is causes is Next Level. When I masked heavily I felt anxious leading up to events, during events and after events. The following day I would comb through every detail of the night before, chastising myself for missing social cues and not blending in effectively while anxiety and shame build up to intolerable levels. Don't say I don't know how to have fun after a party! This is typical masking behaviour. Every social interaction under the banner of masking is often followed by a thorough mental replay, an autopsy of conversations and behaviours, marked by self-critique and anxiety. And the fun also extends to mental preparation before a social event. We gotta rehearse potential conversations, a mental preparation to ensure the mask sits perfectly, concealing the neurodivergent traits beneath.

Suppressing our natural inclinations can lead to identity confusion or loss, and I struggled a lot with this before finding my tribe. Depression, anxiety and a rock bottom sense of self worth is commonly experienced by those with a weak sense of identity. Many of us mask so well that we deserve oscar awards for our performances, and neurotypicals often don't believe us when we disclose that we are in fact neurodivergent. As you can imagine, this can have a devastating effect on our mental health and sense of identity when our neurodivergency disclosure is met with scepticism or not believed. Being an effective Masker can mean that individuals don't receive the support and accommodations they need because their challenges are not visible or acknowledged. 

FIND YOUR TRIBE 

When people tell me they have been diagnosed, after I congratulate them I tell them, ‘Learn everything about your neurodivergence. Get to know yourself through this new lens and make sense of your difficulties, so that you can begin your journey of learning to live with your neurodivergence.’ 

There is another extremely important thing that I advise them to do.   

And reader, I’m directing this advice to you too. If you haven’t done so already, please PLEASE.... 

FIND YOUR TRIBE!! 

Educating yourself and finding your tribe are two things that every neurodivergent should do. Early in my journey I was so keen to meet other neurodivergents that I started a London based friendship group.

Over time, these groups have grown as more people have joined and developed into a lovely neurodivergent community. We meet as a big group once a month and members arrange smaller events throughout the month. We have a lively chat group that is almost always flowing with lively social chit chat. I also set up a neurodivergent Facebook group where we share memes, hacks and funny videos. This community has grown rapidly, and everyday someone posts that they love being part of the community. This is the power of finding your tribe, even in a corner of Facebook.

Support Network

As a neurodivergent, the comforting and elating feeling when meeting other neurodivergents is ineffable. The sense of solace, connection, understanding and acceptance from being part of a community that you feel accepted in is profound and life changing, especially if you have always felt a persistent sense of not belonging.

Sensory Stuff 

Another advantage to socialising with other neurodivergents is our unreserved understanding of sensory sensitivities. Every meet-up is organised with that in mind – we’re all about those quiet, comfy spaces where no one’s going to be left feeling overwhelmed. If anyone who attends feels uncomfortable, it is completely acceptable for them to say so. Unlike in neurotypical social settings where we often feel pressured not to say anything out of fear of coming across as difficult.

Yes to NeuroFabulous

No judgement in Our Tribe. If you overshare, go off on a tangent, or your eyes dart everywhere but the person you’re talking to, that’s fabulous because you are being you. Our little corner of the world is one where our neurodivergent quirks aren’t just tolerated but celebrated. Love to overshare? Great, spill the tea!! Tend to bounce between topics like a bee from flower to flower? Buzz away. Here, that’s not just okay - it's welcomed, we LOVE it! We don’t have to cage our natural impulses; this is a space of freedom. It’s freeing, being in a space where you’re not constantly on edge, constantly role playing a Neurotypical.

It’s Not All Sunshine and Rainbows🦄

I am aware as I type this that I am portraying neurodivergent communities as a utopian land of unicorns and rainbows, sponsored by Disney. No arguments just peace, and love and happy smiles everywhere. Sadly this is not entitrely accurate. It’s not all smooth sailing. We’re a diverse bunch with our own unique quirks and sensitivities. Misunderstandings? Conflicts? Yup, we have those too.

Still gotta do the work

Our direct communication, paired with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and our heightened sensitivities, can mean our haven needs constant nurturing. We have to do the work as individuals and as a group to create that and maintain that feeling of safety and belonging in our sanctuary.

Go Find Your NeuroFabulous Tribe

The feeling that I was a socially anxious introvert turned out not be so true. The dread and anxiety I felt was more related to spending too much time masking, leaving me feeling drained, anxious and unsure of how to act.

When neurodivergent individuals find our tribe, we often experience enhanced self-acceptance, mutual understanding, and support. Neurodivergent communities can be safe spaces and sanctuaries where we can unmask, talk excitedly about our special interests, and manage our sensory sensitivities with understanding and accommodation from others. Neurodivergents almost always thrive in the right environment and it it is so important to have these sanctuaries where we can heal grow and support each other. But this community a testament to the transformative power of finding not just where you fit, but where you belong.

Try looking on meetup or locals.org to see if you have a local neurodivergent group. If not, why not set one up?

FYI: this isn't a sponsored or affiliate post. I’ve mentioned Meetup because I use it, not because I’m waving their flag for a few extra quid. And as for the locals app, I’ve not tried it yet. So, every word here is straight from me, no sponsorships attached.