I have ADHD and here’s why I don’t reply to your texts

When I say forget, I will likely remember at times that are inappropriate to respond, such as when it is 2am, when I am in a meeting, or when I am crossing the road

A famously frustrating trait of ADHD (for ourselves and others) is that we often fail to reply to texts.

Replying to a message might seem like a simple task from a neurotypical perspective. However, ADHD difficulties with executive function, emotional regulation, and attention control means we’re often distracted, overwhelmed, and forgetful.

Here’s why I sometimes don’t respond to texts, and the labyrinth of distraction, overthinking, and constant mental detours, that ADHD takes us on when replying to an apparently simple and everyday text.

I get distracted

Sometimes , just as I am about to reply to your text I get dis- ha ha have you seen this pigeon meme 😆 👇

2 days 3 hours and 10 min later..,

Hi sorry ! What was I writing about. Oh yes. Distraction.

A nemesis of ADHD

If your text notification pops up while I am in the middle of a thing, such looking at memes or finally sending that email I’ve been procrastinating about for 2weeks,or panicking about said email, I will intend to come back to your text as soon as my task is complete.

And then I will forget.

Sidenote. When I say I forget, I will remember at times that are inappropriate to respond, such as at 2am or when I am at a meeting or when I am crossing the road

As soon as the circumstances become appropriate to respond, I’ll forget again

Overwhelmed

Was your text long?

Were there more than three questions?

Did you send your text in multiple text boxes, WhatsApp style

Did you ask open ended questions?

Did you require a thoughtful response?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, your text probably overwhelmed me and was recategorised under “big tasks , to be completed after I have finished the thing“

However, once I have finished the thing, there’s a good chance I will either a) forget or b) re-categorise your text even further as “a very big chore and spend the next foreseeable future thinking anxiously about it but feeling too overwhelmed to respond”

You asked me how I am

Ok. This question will stump me.

I’ve unfortunately lost contact with a few people who asked me how I am many times, and I didn’t reply many times

Here’s the thing.

When you ask me how I am, it can be surprisingly hard for me to answer. I overthink, and get lost in my head about how I actually feel, and what would be appropriate or inappropriate to include my response. My inner rebel may protest against answering in a normal way (That is, “I’m good thanks, how are you?”), belligerently demanding to know why I should participate in this silly little Neurotypical role play ritual.

Then I’ll contemplate telling you the truth, and multiple scenarios will unfold in my head as to how you would respond to the truth and whether I have the spoons to tell you the truth, and whether I even owe you the truth. And before I know it, a pigeon has landed on my window ledge

And as I marvel at it’s cuteness, I tell myself that I will continue contemplating this question in a minute.

But of course I never do because I forget.

You asked me what I’m up to

Similarly, this question elicits internal unrest

If you ask me what I’m up to, I’m going to spend some time trying to figure out which details to include and which to exclude.

Also, my inner rebel will complain that summarising what I’ve done feels boring and pointless , after all I have tasks to procrastinate and pigeons to admire

Shy 😶‍🌫️

Did you compliment me? I genuinely love that, but, and yes this is weird - sometimes I get so happy from the compliment , I get inner zoomies and don’t know how to respond.

And then I forget😭

Or I overthink my response and make it a bigger thing than it is. And then I become too anxious to respond

I’m Busy

I often have a lot going on, because in true ADHD style I always take on more than I can handle.

So I tell myself that I will reply when I’m finished procrastinating whatever task I’m meant to be doing.

And then I forget

I replied in my head

This is a common reason supplied by many of the ADHD members in my neurodivergent communities.

I replied in my head

And in real life I did not 😅

Sorry, that’s annoying of us

I don’t know how to respond

If you said something I didn’t agree with or like , or suggested that we do something that I don’t want to do, I will fret about how to respond for a very long time

I am people pleaser, and prone to RSD, but also like to think of myself as a warrior of the truth

This sometimes means that I have conflicting approaches in how I
want to respond. I want to be honest and boundaried. I want to simultaneously disagree and agree with what you said, because I want you to still like me even though I don’t like what you said.

It’s a tricky one to navigate.

The ADHD paradox

It’s a paradox that we often forget to text others back , but when we receive no reply, we will wonder why you hate us. This is most likely our RSD talking, an affliction that 99% of us suffer with. Please read here if you’re unsure what RSD is, as it affects almost every aspect of sufferers lives.

The end bit

ADHD can make it really difficult to do something as simple as replying to a message , our journey to get there filled with mental detours and emotional hurdles. So, if you’re still waiting on a text back from me, know that I care, I’m sorry, I replied in my head and thought about your message at 2am this morning, and will think about it later while at my evening class.

I will reply I promise, potentially when I’m finished writing thi- oh look squirrel 🐿️

If you enjoyed reading this blog post, you might enjoy How to Reduce Text Stress and Set Boundaries

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