Everything was going so well. And then we came to one of the final activities.... We were told that we were about experience a very uncomfortable five minutes.
Bring it on I thought, adventurously, cluelessly. How bad can it be?
One of the trainers then informed us that we were going to stare at each other eyes in silence for five minutes.
My thoughts on this are 1) I admire you for being brave to speak out that you weren't comfortable starting the activity. 2) sad that the instructor, supposedly someone teaching and modeling good therapy practices, just brushed off your concerns without practicing any empathy, acceptance or encouragement. 3) when something has this much power to grab hold of your positive posture and completely wreck it, you should probably set out a plan to overcome it, and 4) going from a quick glance during conversation to 5 minutes (or even 1 minute) of prolonged silent staring is probably not the best strategy.
I'm thinking you maybe try to get someone, your therapist maybe or a friend?, to work on it with gradually. Maybe try to make a game out of it and/or start by talking while you are staring to kind of describe your feelings and have the other person give you some verbal reassurance that all those dreadful throngs you're imagining and remembering are not what he/she is thinking at all, and that you're doing great and they admire you for the good work you are doing and what growth much be happening right now.
@JonAcuff has written a great book called 𝙎𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙨 that i highly recommend for getting a hold of your inner dialogue and intentionally making it support your mental health and growth. I bet "changing your soundtrack" with the help of a friend or professional who is actively seeking your betterment.
How does it feel to consider 10 seconds of staring with accompanying back and forth speaking by both stare-ers about what you are seeing, how you are feeling and some positive affirmation of each other. Maybe work up to 10 seconds of silence and then try to start the process over with 20 seconds including narration, 20 seconds of silence and so on..?
Thank you for this great advice Maggie!! I really like the idea of gradually increasing eye contact with a friend or my therapist. Maybe not my therapist actually as she is ND herself and does not like eye contact. I am going to check out @JonAcuff's work.
Dang I wish we could edit comments! Last sentence in the @JonAcuff paragraph is missing the end, where I meant to say I bet changing your soundtrack 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙛𝙪𝙡.
I can make eye contact with people during conversation but the longer it holds the more uncomfortable I get. Before I knew I was neurodivergent, I thought I was just shy. But I even start feeling uncomfortable if it’s with a family member or a friend. It feels like they’re taking over “your space”. Am I even making sense 🤦🏻♀️😅
Ooh!! Well you know, I'll let you in on something, I often direct my attentions just below what is that person's left eye. Otherwise, I'm probably all over the place! Did the trainer really intend for you to stare for 5 minutes or just attempt to stare, as in for as long as you can until you have to stop, bearing in mind it was a game/activity and not an order? Nice to see you around in any case ☺️
Hey Stephen, been meaning to message you! I usually look at the mouth then panic as I worry the OP will think I want to kiss them 😭. This task was eyeball gazing, no looking under the eyes or at the mouths or any other cheeky tricks. It took me days to recover and I didnt even do it!!
I don't believe I could do this. I have no idea what brought this issue out in me. I was completely unaware of it until one year a co-worker that I was more fond of than normal people asked me if I have issues meeting people's gaze! I was a full grown woman with kids at this point and did not know I had this issue!
It's too intimate for me. You're allowing people to look inside you and I spend a good amount of time crafting my "peopling" masks so...no. No thank you.
I am torn on this one. On one hand, if you were the client and this was being forced on you I would be furious on your behalf that this was done. Eye contact is a fully known issue with neurodivergent people, and forcing it can be incredibly stressful and I am not at all surprised and I empathize with you. But, on the other hand, if you want to be a therapist and you engage with a client who does not feel "heard" or "seen" without direct eye contact, that can be a barrier that may prevent you from being the right therapist for that person. However, on a third hand, acknowledging that you might not be the right therapist for everybody I would see as a potential strength. Too often people wright of therapy in general because they had a bad experience or did not mesh with the first or second therapist, when it is not that simple. I feel therapists should make clients aware that finding the right therapist is just as important as finding a good therapist. A good therapist for some might be the worst for others, and I don't think it is acknowledged as much as it should be to get rid of the stigma of not matching with a therapist. I think you should be able to say to a client that would need that kind of intense eye contact that maybe you are not the right therapist for them and offer to help them find somebody they can mesh with. I think honesty and transparency might go a long way, and they may even respect that. If they don't respect that, you might recommend that be something to explore in therapy of why they don't. All of this is of course just my humble opinion.
I think you did the right thing, Jeanie, in not participating in something you were certain that would make you extremely uncomfortable like this.
I understand that a therapist would heed to hold eye contact with a client during a conversation, or when listening to a client.
But it makes no sense whatsoever, to me, to train someone to stare into someone's eyes for five minutes, in silence... because this is just so extreme.
Perhaps for 30 seconds, as this might happen when listening to a client, who is pausing whilst thinking, but to go straight in with expecting you all to stare in silence for 5 entire minutes seems unnecessary.
I had breast reduction - and suddenly everyone looked into my eyes! It was creepy! Many years later and I'm still aware I don't look directly at people - as if I were a hostage ("I promise, I won't be able to recognize you.") - and really can't recognize people. Working on watching mystery tv shows and trying to remember who these people are, even with the strong hints and continuity provided by the show director.
This came up in a conversation I was having in the gym this morning, how I had always struggled with maintaining eye contact with anyone and when I did I was actually so conscious of it that I wasn’t able to listen to what was actually being said.
This is something I have got much better at, but only during conversation, never in silence.
The reason for maintaining eye contact with a client is to show them you are interested in what they have to say and that you are paying attention. During silent moments in a coaching session I have found that the person on the receiving end will eventually start talking to fill the silence and often find the answers they didn’t think they had or were unsure of relaying, often it produces break through moments.
I do think that a lot of us do have trauma responses to this type of exercise though, much like you recounted and we do need to find a way to move past it, sometimes through therapy, sometimes by being uncomfortable and I’m in favour of making ourselves feel discomfort (other than the general discomfort we feel daily) so long as there is support and an opportunity to review how it went delivered with kindness and empathy.
Oh and the picture of the person disappearing into the ground is a tour guide in Vietnam showing how the North Vietnamese Army used a network of underground tunnels to hide, live, store supplies etc during the Vietnam war.
This came up in a conversation I was having in the gym this morning, how I had always struggled with maintaining eye contact with anyone and when I did I was actually so conscious of it that I wasn’t able to listen to what was actually being said.
This is something I have got much better at, but only during conversation, never in silence.
The reason for maintaining eye contact with a client is to show them you are interested in what they have to say and that you are paying attention. During silent moments in a coaching session I have found that the person on the receiving end will eventually start talking to fill the silence and often find the answers they didn’t think they had or were unsure of relaying, often it produces break through moments.
I do think that a lot of us do have trauma responses to this type of exercise though, much like you recounted and we do need to find a way to move past it, sometimes through therapy, sometimes by being uncomfortable and I’m in favour of making ourselves feel discomfort (other than the general discomfort we feel daily) so long as there is support and an opportunity to review how it went delivered with kindness and empathy.
Oh and the picture of the person disappearing into the ground is a tour guide in Vietnam showing how the North Vietnamese Army used a network of underground tunnels to hide, live, store supplies etc during the Vietnam war.
A huge part of becoming a therapist (and therapy in general) is learning to relax into uncomfortable feelings, not to avoid them. What you described feels like an intense trauma response and would need proper safe setting to be addressed and released from the body, probably over several sessions. We can’t be a good therapist if we are unwilling to face our own demons, cry, feel ubcomfortable etc or when we have judgements about these things. The whole point of therapy is to befriend your emotions and sensations, and not avoid, suppress etc. Crying in groups is part of healing, it’s not shameful. But it needs to be held properly. It doesn’t sound like your trainers really knew how to hold space and support. I find silence and eye contact really nice, free and comforting.. it doesn’t have to be intense. It can also be soft and loving and just fine. :)
My thoughts on this are 1) I admire you for being brave to speak out that you weren't comfortable starting the activity. 2) sad that the instructor, supposedly someone teaching and modeling good therapy practices, just brushed off your concerns without practicing any empathy, acceptance or encouragement. 3) when something has this much power to grab hold of your positive posture and completely wreck it, you should probably set out a plan to overcome it, and 4) going from a quick glance during conversation to 5 minutes (or even 1 minute) of prolonged silent staring is probably not the best strategy.
I'm thinking you maybe try to get someone, your therapist maybe or a friend?, to work on it with gradually. Maybe try to make a game out of it and/or start by talking while you are staring to kind of describe your feelings and have the other person give you some verbal reassurance that all those dreadful throngs you're imagining and remembering are not what he/she is thinking at all, and that you're doing great and they admire you for the good work you are doing and what growth much be happening right now.
@JonAcuff has written a great book called 𝙎𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙠𝙨 that i highly recommend for getting a hold of your inner dialogue and intentionally making it support your mental health and growth. I bet "changing your soundtrack" with the help of a friend or professional who is actively seeking your betterment.
How does it feel to consider 10 seconds of staring with accompanying back and forth speaking by both stare-ers about what you are seeing, how you are feeling and some positive affirmation of each other. Maybe work up to 10 seconds of silence and then try to start the process over with 20 seconds including narration, 20 seconds of silence and so on..?
Thank you for this great advice Maggie!! I really like the idea of gradually increasing eye contact with a friend or my therapist. Maybe not my therapist actually as she is ND herself and does not like eye contact. I am going to check out @JonAcuff's work.
Thank you!! :-)
Dang I wish we could edit comments! Last sentence in the @JonAcuff paragraph is missing the end, where I meant to say I bet changing your soundtrack 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥𝙛𝙪𝙡.
Oops typo: "what growth *must be happening right now."
I can make eye contact with people during conversation but the longer it holds the more uncomfortable I get. Before I knew I was neurodivergent, I thought I was just shy. But I even start feeling uncomfortable if it’s with a family member or a friend. It feels like they’re taking over “your space”. Am I even making sense 🤦🏻♀️😅
Yes, you are. Thats such a good way to put it & I completely agree!
Ooh!! Well you know, I'll let you in on something, I often direct my attentions just below what is that person's left eye. Otherwise, I'm probably all over the place! Did the trainer really intend for you to stare for 5 minutes or just attempt to stare, as in for as long as you can until you have to stop, bearing in mind it was a game/activity and not an order? Nice to see you around in any case ☺️
Hey Stephen, been meaning to message you! I usually look at the mouth then panic as I worry the OP will think I want to kiss them 😭. This task was eyeball gazing, no looking under the eyes or at the mouths or any other cheeky tricks. It took me days to recover and I didnt even do it!!
I don't believe I could do this. I have no idea what brought this issue out in me. I was completely unaware of it until one year a co-worker that I was more fond of than normal people asked me if I have issues meeting people's gaze! I was a full grown woman with kids at this point and did not know I had this issue!
It's too intimate for me. You're allowing people to look inside you and I spend a good amount of time crafting my "peopling" masks so...no. No thank you.
I am torn on this one. On one hand, if you were the client and this was being forced on you I would be furious on your behalf that this was done. Eye contact is a fully known issue with neurodivergent people, and forcing it can be incredibly stressful and I am not at all surprised and I empathize with you. But, on the other hand, if you want to be a therapist and you engage with a client who does not feel "heard" or "seen" without direct eye contact, that can be a barrier that may prevent you from being the right therapist for that person. However, on a third hand, acknowledging that you might not be the right therapist for everybody I would see as a potential strength. Too often people wright of therapy in general because they had a bad experience or did not mesh with the first or second therapist, when it is not that simple. I feel therapists should make clients aware that finding the right therapist is just as important as finding a good therapist. A good therapist for some might be the worst for others, and I don't think it is acknowledged as much as it should be to get rid of the stigma of not matching with a therapist. I think you should be able to say to a client that would need that kind of intense eye contact that maybe you are not the right therapist for them and offer to help them find somebody they can mesh with. I think honesty and transparency might go a long way, and they may even respect that. If they don't respect that, you might recommend that be something to explore in therapy of why they don't. All of this is of course just my humble opinion.
I think you did the right thing, Jeanie, in not participating in something you were certain that would make you extremely uncomfortable like this.
I understand that a therapist would heed to hold eye contact with a client during a conversation, or when listening to a client.
But it makes no sense whatsoever, to me, to train someone to stare into someone's eyes for five minutes, in silence... because this is just so extreme.
Perhaps for 30 seconds, as this might happen when listening to a client, who is pausing whilst thinking, but to go straight in with expecting you all to stare in silence for 5 entire minutes seems unnecessary.
Great article, as always.
I had breast reduction - and suddenly everyone looked into my eyes! It was creepy! Many years later and I'm still aware I don't look directly at people - as if I were a hostage ("I promise, I won't be able to recognize you.") - and really can't recognize people. Working on watching mystery tv shows and trying to remember who these people are, even with the strong hints and continuity provided by the show director.
Anyone got experience of brainspottinguk-good or bad!!😁
Hate this exercise. !
This came up in a conversation I was having in the gym this morning, how I had always struggled with maintaining eye contact with anyone and when I did I was actually so conscious of it that I wasn’t able to listen to what was actually being said.
This is something I have got much better at, but only during conversation, never in silence.
The reason for maintaining eye contact with a client is to show them you are interested in what they have to say and that you are paying attention. During silent moments in a coaching session I have found that the person on the receiving end will eventually start talking to fill the silence and often find the answers they didn’t think they had or were unsure of relaying, often it produces break through moments.
I do think that a lot of us do have trauma responses to this type of exercise though, much like you recounted and we do need to find a way to move past it, sometimes through therapy, sometimes by being uncomfortable and I’m in favour of making ourselves feel discomfort (other than the general discomfort we feel daily) so long as there is support and an opportunity to review how it went delivered with kindness and empathy.
Oh and the picture of the person disappearing into the ground is a tour guide in Vietnam showing how the North Vietnamese Army used a network of underground tunnels to hide, live, store supplies etc during the Vietnam war.
This came up in a conversation I was having in the gym this morning, how I had always struggled with maintaining eye contact with anyone and when I did I was actually so conscious of it that I wasn’t able to listen to what was actually being said.
This is something I have got much better at, but only during conversation, never in silence.
The reason for maintaining eye contact with a client is to show them you are interested in what they have to say and that you are paying attention. During silent moments in a coaching session I have found that the person on the receiving end will eventually start talking to fill the silence and often find the answers they didn’t think they had or were unsure of relaying, often it produces break through moments.
I do think that a lot of us do have trauma responses to this type of exercise though, much like you recounted and we do need to find a way to move past it, sometimes through therapy, sometimes by being uncomfortable and I’m in favour of making ourselves feel discomfort (other than the general discomfort we feel daily) so long as there is support and an opportunity to review how it went delivered with kindness and empathy.
Oh and the picture of the person disappearing into the ground is a tour guide in Vietnam showing how the North Vietnamese Army used a network of underground tunnels to hide, live, store supplies etc during the Vietnam war.
A huge part of becoming a therapist (and therapy in general) is learning to relax into uncomfortable feelings, not to avoid them. What you described feels like an intense trauma response and would need proper safe setting to be addressed and released from the body, probably over several sessions. We can’t be a good therapist if we are unwilling to face our own demons, cry, feel ubcomfortable etc or when we have judgements about these things. The whole point of therapy is to befriend your emotions and sensations, and not avoid, suppress etc. Crying in groups is part of healing, it’s not shameful. But it needs to be held properly. It doesn’t sound like your trainers really knew how to hold space and support. I find silence and eye contact really nice, free and comforting.. it doesn’t have to be intense. It can also be soft and loving and just fine. :)