Emotional Dysregulation and How to Manage It
Emotion dysregulation, frequently experienced by neurodivergent individuals, often leads to disproportionate emotional responses that significantly affect our daily life and interpersonal connections
On the train, a loud phone conversation pierces the calm soundscape and instantly ignites my fury. My heart races as anger surges. Struggling to stay calm, I'm quickly overwhelmed. My thoughts explode: "Why can’t he shut the F***CK UP’’
Literally seconds ago, I was feeling serene and smiling at strangers, now I'm seething with rage. This extreme shift from calm to furious, triggered by a typical everyday annoyance, is a real life example of my struggle with neurodivergent emotional dysregulation.
What is emotion dysregulation?
Emotion dysregulation is a decreased ability to manage our emotions. It can result in strong emotional reactions that are disproportionate to the situation. These reactions are sometimes called outbursts and can occur suddenly and seemingly unexpectedly. When we are dysregulated, we may 'spiral,' that is we may experience a rapidly diminishing ability to think logically and control our responses. We may have an outburst where our physical body becomes highly charged, often leading to an increase in the volume of our voice, saying regrettable things, and behaving in an 'out of character' and inappropriate manner.
These outbursts are almost always followed by intense feelings of shame and regret.
Why is emotion dysregulation so common in people with Autism and ADHD?
The link between emotion dysregulation and conditions like Autism and ADHD can be understood through several interconnected factors. In ADHD, impulsivity is a core feature, often leading to rapid, intense emotional responses without the typical filtering or delay. In other words we can go from 0 to 10000 in a nano second. This impulsivity, combined with challenges in executive functioning (such as difficulty in organising thoughts and controlling our behaviour), can make emotional regulation particularly challenging.
In both Autism and ADHD, there are biological differences which may be contributing to our heightened stress response. For example, higher levels of cortisol,which play a part in triggering flight and flight responses, and differences in our amygdalas, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotions such as fear and anxiety. This heightened state can trigger a more pronounced fight-or-flight response, leading to more intense emotional reactions, difficulty with accessing our ‘thinking brain’ which is hugely diminished during fight or flight episodes,  and difficulties in returning to a calmer state.
Neurodivergents  might have experienced increased levels of stress or trauma, either from external factors or from the internal stress of navigating a world that is not always accommodating to their needs. This ongoing stress can exacerbate difficulties in managing emotions.
Neurodivergents often feel compelled to mask or hide their atypical behaviours to fit in with societal norms. This masking involves suppressing natural responses and mimicking socially acceptable behaviours, which can be incredibly stressful and exhausting.
Us neurodivergents  often struggle to advocate for ourselves when dealing with environmental triggers. We have a different way of processing sensory input from neurotypicals. Loud noise, bright lights, certain smells and textures can lead to an increased likelihood of sensory overload which can lead to emotion dysregulation. Many neurodivergents also experience   misophonia (when specific sounds trigger a strong stress response ). Certain sounds, like chewing or whistling  make me feel enraged within a nano second. These sensory differences can make typical social or work environments overwhelming, yet we  feel unable to express our discomfort or request accommodations because we don’t want to be seen as difficult. This inability to advocate effectively can not only lead to a build-up of stress and anxiety, but it also means that we have to endure the stress responses that the sensory sensitivities and misophonia may cause.
The  constant pressure to adhere to unwritten social rules, meet societal expectations, and socialise in ways that might not come naturally can be a significant source of stress. This ongoing strain can make individuals prone to emotional dysregulation, as their capacity to manage emotional responses is continually taxed.
Additionally, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) often plays a role in ADHD, where we experience intense emotional pain and discomfort due to perceived or real rejection or criticism. This fear of rejection can make the pressure to conform and mask even more burdensome, as individuals may go to great lengths to avoid situations where rejection or criticism is possible, further contributing to emotional dysregulation.
Emotion dysregulation vs Meltdown
A meltdown is an extreme experience of emotion dysregulation, an uncontrollable response to overwhelming stress or sensory overload, common in neurodivergents who experience emotion dysregulation. Meltdowns are physiological reactions to feeling overwhelmed. They manifest in various forms like crying, shouting, or withdrawing.
Emotion dysregulation and shame
Emotional dysregulation and outbursts are closely linked to feelings of shame, creating a challenging cycle for individuals who struggle with managing their emotions. When someone experiences emotional dysregulation, they may have intense emotional reactions or outbursts that feel disproportionate to the situation. These reactions can often be sudden and overwhelming, leading to behaviours that the individual might later view as inappropriate or embarrassing.
Following an emotional outburst, the individual often becomes acutely aware of how their behaviour might be perceived by others. This awareness can trigger deep feelings of shame, a painful emotion rooted in the perception of oneself as flawed or inadequate. The experience of shame is particularly intense because it goes beyond feeling bad about a specific action; it involves a negative evaluation of the self.
This shame can be debilitating, as it not only involves remorse for the outburst but also a critical self-assessment that can lead to feelings of worthlessness or self-loathing. The individual might ruminate on the outburst, exacerbating these feelings of shame. This can create a vicious cycle: emotional dysregulation leads to outbursts, outbursts lead to shame, and shame can, in turn, heighten emotional sensitivity and vulnerability, making future instances of dysregulation more likely.
Moreover, in trying to avoid future shame, individuals might attempt to suppress their emotions or overcompensate by being overly controlled or withdrawn. Unfortunately, these strategies can often backfire, leading to further emotional dysregulation and continuing the cycle.
How to manage emotion dysregulation
Prevention
Know your triggers:
 Know your triggers and avoid them if you can. If  you can’t avoid them, prepare for them. So for example, if you anticipate a party that you’re going might be too much, plan an escape excuse, for example tell people that you will probably have to leave early as you have plans. Nobody needs to know that your plans are  watching Big Bang Theory in your pyjamas with your cats.
Avoid Sensory Overload
Take care of your sensory sensitivities. If you are sensitive to sounds, maybe wear noise cancelling headphones or earplugs specifically designed to counteract misophonia by altering the way sounds are processed by your ears. I play music when my husband chews as the squelching sound of chewing makes me think violent thoughts. If you can, try to ensure you have access to a quiet, personal space for retreat. Wherever possible, create a low-arousal, sensory-friendly environment with elements like soft lighting and minimal distractions. Having a safe, sanctuary-like space is incredibly beneficial. For many neurodivergents, their bedroom serves as such a sanctuary, a comforting personal haven adorned with colours that bring joy, along with soft, sensory-pleasing textures and plush toys – tailored to both personal preference and budget. This approach is crucial because even if your day-to-day environment doesn't feel like a sanctuary, returning to your personalised, healing space can provide immense relief and comfort.
Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Regular practice of brief mindfulness, meditation, or yoga sessions can have a hugely positive long term effect on reducing stress levels in the body and changing the way the brain responds to stress
Gadgets: I love my anti anxiety gadgets. My current obsession is acupressure rings and brain.fm (not an affiliate link, there are similar products, but this is what I use)
During Dysregulation
Uh oh, quick go!: Learn to recognise early signs of emotional overwhelm and take immediate steps to address it. It is ok to remove yourself from the situation immediately, even if you’re pretending you need the loo, go before you turn into the Hulk!
Take big lovely breaths: Nice and slow, preferably away from the situation if you can. The toilet cubicle is fine
Distraction: For example, recite the 8 times table, say the alphabet backwards, name all the Tudor monarchies. How many films can you name starring Morgan Freeman. Look for all the blue things in your vicinity. Whatever distraction works for you, do that. Engage  the thinking brain to calm the physical body
After Dysregulation
Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Ok so you flipped out a little. Not perfect, but remember when you gave the homeless guy £10? You’re not a bad person. You are just struggling a little with your emotional regulation. You are a work in progress and you are FABULOUS🤩
Reflect, Don’t Ruminate: Reflect on the event to understand what happened, but avoid rumination. Think about what you might do differently next time.
Reflect, don’t ruminate. Like this moth Talk to your safe person: Talk to someone you trust about what happened. This could be a friend, family member, or therapist.
Positive Activities: Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself to counter feelings of shame. I recommend doing a  self compassion meditation and playing with a puppy
Apologise if Needed: If your actions affected others, a sincere apology can help mend relationships and reduce feelings of shame
Beautifully said, thanks for sharing :) I particularly liked the part about the sound of your husband chewing, I relate!
I would love to read something similar to this but for the military Service Members to reference.
Maybe there is something similar I am not aware of yet.
I can tell you I am learning to 'accept' although the struggle is real when it seems some people just make me feel they are trying to upset me to see what I do next.
Or perhaps make it appear as if I cannot do something I can do.