Neurodivergent Masking
What is Neurodivergent Masking?
Like almost every neurodivergent I know, I mask around most neurotypicals. Masking is suppressing our natural neurodivergent behaviour in order to meet societal expectations. In other words trying desperately ‘not to be weird'. The pressure of feeling we should mask comes from sensing strongly that our ‘weird’ neurodivergent traits are not going to be judged or not accepted by the people we are with.
Masking involves imitating neurotypical behaviours, and means following The Rules (what you are expected to do)and sticking to The Script (what you are expected to say). We pretend we aren’t anxious or uncomfortable, and we try our best not to talk too loudly, too quietly,too much, too little, or too excitedly.
Stop being weird!
My masking is desperately trying 'not to be weird' . The pressure of feeling I should mask comes from sensing my neurodivergent traits are not going to be accepted by the people I am with. As is typical with many neurodivergents, I am hyper-empathetic, so I can sense in a nano second when I've made things weird. The disapproval of others permeates me and fills me with shame and panic, so I try avoid that. When masking, I am so vigilant to everything that is ‘unsaid’. I carefully analyse and interpret facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, and I am constantly vetting my own responses so as not to say anything 'weird' or inappropriate.
Masking means enduring having my eyeballs relentlessly stared at 👁️👁️,doing my best to reciprocate the eyeball gazing 👁️👁️ feigning interest in topics I don’t enjoy, pretending I haven’t zoned out during conversations,stared at hiding my special interests and hyper fixations, because I know that they would be seen as 'weird'. No guinea pig talk, or space facts or theories about time travel or ancient civilisations. Less puns and no made up knock knock jokes!! I am prone to overexcitedness which causes negative responses 'Calm down please!' is a phrase, drenched in disapproval and one I have often heard, so I downplay my enthusiasm. It feels inauthentic suppressing my genuine self-expression and its exhausting vetting every response before it comes out. There have even been occasions where I've found it difficult to say anything at all, as none of my potential responses have met the threshold for 'normal'. When in panic, my poor brain will offer a million responses and sometimes I get stuck choosing one, so nothing comes out and stand there grinning in what I hope to be a neurotypical way and not saying anything at all.
Masking involves constantly analysing and interpreting social cues, monitoring and adjusting our actions, words, and our natural reactions, to appear 'neurotypical.' This vigilance not only feels inauthentic but also requires a tremendous amount of mental and emotional effort, can cause huge anxiety and is mentally exhausting. Over time, masking can erode our sense of identity and confidence as it leaves little room for our true self to be expressed.
Sensory Overload & Emotional dysregulation
Neurodivergents have a different way of processing sensory input to neurotypicals. Loud noise, bright lights, certain smells and textures can lead to an increased likelihood of sensory overload which can lead to emotion dysregulation. Many neurodivergents also experience misophonia (when specific sounds trigger a strong stress response ). Certain sounds, like chewing or whistling make me feel enraged within a nano second.
Us neurodivergents often struggle to advocate for ourselves when dealing with environmental triggers. These sensory differences can make typical social or work environments overwhelming, yet we feel unable to express our discomfort or request accommodations because we don’t want to be seen as difficult.
Because the truth is that we are seen as difficult by neurotypicals when we complain
So we smile on the outside while battling Hulk feelings on the inside.
This inability to advocate effectively can not only lead to a build-up of stress and anxiety, potentially leading to sensory overload, and extreme emotional dysregulation
Post Mortums of Events and Rehearsing
Masking requires immense mental effort and I almost always endure a post mortum of previous interactions, combing through every detail of the night before, chastising myself for missing social cues and not blending in effectively while anxiety and shame build up to intolerable levels. Don't say I don't know how to have fun after a party! If I know a social situation with neurotypicals is coming up, I will mentally rehearse every conversation that I think might come up, and I will do this repeatedly until the event every moment that I am alone.
The Toll of Neurodivergent Masking
Masking may feel like a necessary adaptation to navigate a predominantly neurotypical world, but it comes at a massive cost. Over time, the toll of masking becomes overwhelming. For me, before I found my Neurodivergent Tribe, I masked heavily and continuously. This led to a sense of disconnection from myself, as I became more focused on fitting in rather than embracing my authentic neurodivergent identity. I didn't even know who I was, as I was so focussed on being how others wanted me to be. It took a huge toll on my mental health, leading to anxiety, burnout, and a constant feeling of being misunderstood and isolated.
I often overdrank and sometimes abused substances at social events. Being intoxicated in an environment with intoxicated people can feel like a huge relief, because when everyone is intoxicated The Rules don’t matter so much. Anxiety and Disapproval are guests that nobody wants at a party, and when I felt the party could begin.
But obviously this is not a sustainable or healthy strategy. It made my anxiety so much worse, took me to very dark places, and took a big toll on my physical wellbeing. It is not a method I use anymore and would definitely not recommend anyone else does this . But it goes a way to explain why many neurodivergents unfortunately have alcohol and drug problems.
Suppressing our natural inclinations can lead to identity confusion or loss, and I struggled a lot with this before finding my tribe. Depression, anxiety and a rock bottom sense of self worth is commonly experienced by those with a weak sense of identity. Many of us mask so well that we deserve oscar awards for our performances, and neurotypicals often don't believe us when we disclose that we are in fact neurodivergent. As you can imagine, this can have a devastating effect on our mental health and sense of identity when our neurodivergency disclosure is met with scepticism or not believed. Being an effective Masker can mean that individuals don't receive the support and accommodations they need because their challenges are not visible or acknowledged.
In conclusion, Find Your Tribe
Masking is exhausting and demeaning, as it means sacrificing our identity. These days I avoid interacting too much with people with whom I feel I have to mask heavily. I tend to surround myself with other neurodivergents and neurodivergent allies that I have met in my online community and a group that I established in London UK called The London Neurodivergent Friendship Group, open to adult neurodivergents in London UK.
I limit interacting with people who I feel uncomfortable with as much as possible, rather than trying to fit in with them as I would in the past.
