Neurodivergent + Neurodivergent Friendships

Neurodivergent communities are life changing, healing sanctuaries for us after years of being misunderstood and feeling out of place. But we have challenges to work through to maintain the peace

I am Jeanie Gee, a Neurodivergent former SEN teacher running two thriving neurodivergent communities. The first is a ridiculously large online group, and the second one is a much smaller, close knit group where we chat daily on WhatsApp and meet regularly in real life . I write blogs way less frequently than I’d like to, providing insight to what it is really like being a neurodivergent. My blogs are based on polls that I run across both groups, discussions with other group members and personal experience.

This is a follow up to a blog post I wrote on Neurodivergent
+ Neurotypical friendships, Neurodivergent + Neurotypical Friendships - The Glass Wall that divides. If you enjoy it you may also enjoy What Happens When you find Your Neurodivergent Tribe.

I ran two separate polls in both groups, asking what members found to be the biggest challenges and the best things about Neurodivergent + Neurodivergent Friendships. Here’s the results, starting from most frequently chosen responses.

The Best Things About ND + ND Friendships Poll

The experience of being understood and understanding each other.

The comfort of not feeling out of place or like we don’t belong.

The feeling of being accepted, not judged.

According to our poll, the best thing about ND + ND friendships is the profound feeling of being understood and understanding each other in ways we don't experience with neurotypical individuals. We feel accepted and not judged, which allows us to unmask and be our true selves without the fear of being seen as weird. Finding that your ‘weird trait’ is shared by many others is an example of many magical moments that happen when you find your tribe. I love pigeons, and people have always found that a little weird. But then I found out that in both groups, most of us love pigeons! Many of us enjoy playing Would You Rather, my favourite game, many of us have hyper empathetic responses, and most of us suffer horribly from RSD. We share traits dismissed as weird, challenges that have blighted our lives and understand each other instinctively and easily. This bond allows us to slowly start to pull down the mask and stop role playing as a Neurotypical.

It's a huge relief feeling part of a tribe where nobody is going to judge you for being "too much", "too intense and ‘‘too weird" This mutual acceptance isn’t just lovely and cozy, it’s a safe space to be unapologetically us.

It a sanctuary.

Honesty

Neurotypicals have an interesting relationship with the truth, and so they are very rarely direct in their communication. They tend not to say what they mean and instead make indirect references, drop cryptic hints, or communicate a different message non-verbally to what they are saying verbally. This behaviour is so ingrained and normalised among neurotypicals and in our society, that when we communicate directly we are often made to feel as if we are being rude, offensive, ignorant or lacking in social skills. This can really add to our anxiety as we have to put considerable effort into communicating in a way that is not natural for us.

In ND + ND friendships, we really appreciate that we can be much more honest with each other.

We can openly share our difficult life experiences and traumas without fear of being accused of 'oversharing.' In contrast, in the neurotypical world, discussing such topics often leads to being labelled as overly 'personal' or 'negative,' and our hyper sensitive radar lets us know we are  making everyone uncomfortable.

Whoops I told the truth and now there’s awkward vibes

This openness and understanding do not typically cause discomfort in ND circles, allowing for deeper and more authentic connections.

In ND + ND friendships, we discuss our mental health challenges openly without being perceived as negative. In the neurotypical world, candid discussions about mental health can sometimes lead to accusations of being overly negative, and ‘No one likes a Debbie Downer at a party’ is the message we receive loud and clear. This prevents honest communication and encourages the sufferer to isolate when not on top form. In contrast, my experience among NDs is that there's usually a shared understanding and empathetic response to the ‘Debbie Downers’.

One of my favourite things about ND + ND friendships, is that there's often a mutual understanding if events need to be cancelled due to burnout, fatigue, or anxiety. We do not shame each other for needing to take a step back, which alleviates the pressure to attend events when we don't feel up to it or to fabricate excuses for cancelling. This understanding fosters a more compassionate and accommodating environment, allowing us to be honest and to prioritise our well-being without guilt.

Being able to talk freely without feeling like we have to stick to the NT script.

The ability to unmask without being seen as weird.

Masking is suppressing our natural neurodivergent behaviour in order to meet societal expectations. In other words trying to ‘not be weird'. The pressure of feeling we should mask comes from sensing strongly that our ‘weird’ neurodivergent traits are not going to be accepted by the people we are with, and it is a significant source of anxiety and exhaustion

Masking commonly includes following The Rules (what you are expected to do), sticking to The Script (what you are expected to say) enduring having our eyeballs relentlessly stared at 👁️👁️,and doing our best to reciprocate the eyeball gazing 👁️👁️ feigning interest in topics we don’t enjoy, pretending we haven’t zoned out during conversations, hiding stimming behaviours, pretending we aren’t anxious or uncomfortable, trying our best not to talk too loudly, too quietly,or too excitedly,basically doing our best not to say or do anything 'weird'.

Most NDs like to avoid small talk when we can

In ND + ND friendships, we love that we feel able to communicate without sticking to The Script and that we can do less eyeball gazing. Less small talk, more fun talk which is natural and genuine, often deep and sometimes really random. When we don’t hold back so much, we feel stimulated , excited and free. Feeling welcome to delve deeply into discussions about our hyperfixations and special interests is so great! Octopus facts, let’s hear them! Your pet rock? Bring her out, we would like to say hi.

 I am portraying neurodivergent communities as a Utopian land of unicorns and rainbows. No arguments. Just Peace, Love and Joyous Smiles.

This is not entirely accurate. We do have joyous smiles, plenty of love and peace. But there are challenges and there are conflicts…

Challenges of ND + ND Friendships Poll

RSD and hyper sensitivity

Rejection Sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an intensely unpleasant and debilitating emotional sensitivity that many neurodivergents (especially those with ADHD) experience when we feel we have been rejected, criticised or failed at something. Symptoms of RSD include plummeting mood, overwhelming sadness, suicidal ideation, extreme anxiety, intense feelings of worthlessness, self doubt and being utterly alone and disliked.

The RSD Witch is the unwanted third wheel in all our relationships. She springs to life over every perceive rejection and whispers in our ear that everyone hates us, they will always hate us and that we are completely alone in the world.  

My RSD is diminishing significantly as I have begun to heal in my ND sanctuaries. But this is how it works. You innocently don’t include an emoji in your text to me. Translation: You hate me. A friend teases me as part of typical banter, I fake laugh and then excuse myself to cry in the loo.

An off-hand remark, a change in someone's tone, we struggle to brush off comments or behaviours that others might easily ignore.

Thank goodness that in our neurodivergent friendship groups we are very careful and with our words and don’t trigger RSD in eachother…

Oh wait that’s right! Diplomacy and tact are not exactly strong points in our community. We tend to say how it is. We are honest and it is wonderful!

Most of us older NDs have learned how to be a little diplomatic and won’t be blisteringly negative when asked for feedback on someone’s outfit or hair that we hate.

But sometimes we forget, and we blurt out our honest opinion about something that’s offensive to someone and..whoops !! Our honesty triggers their RSD and their RSD triggers their emotional dysregulation, which in turn triggers our emotional dysregulation and unfortunately our conflict resolution skills are poor because we’re in flight-or-flight so the situation can escalate…

Insecure Attachments and Trauma responses

Emotion Dysregulation

Struggle with Conflict resolution

Us neurodivergents often face additional challenges due to insecure attachments, trauma responses, emotion dysregulation and struggle with conflict resolution. Our experiences mean we might over analyse social cues and struggle with unpredictability in relationships. Our emotional reactions can often escalate quickly when our trauma responses are triggered.

Credit: Instagram @doctoradhd

The link between emotion dysregulation and conditions like Autism and ADHD can be understood through several interconnected factors. Impulsivity is commonly a core feature, often leading to rapid, intense emotional responses without the typical filtering or delay.

Many of us are children of neurodivergent parents, inheriting high heritability ND traits, and  we may not have learned effective conflict resolution skills from them. We also have biological differences in our neural physiology, and wiring to neurotypicals, leading to a heightened stress response. Arguments and disagreements often escalate rapidly, frequently leading to permanent fallouts.

Our communication style is characteristically direct, which can be challenging as neurodivergents on the receiving end are likely to be hypersensitive, prone to RSD and reactive. This dynamic increases the likelihood of volatility in our relationships.

Furthermore, our past experiences may lead us to interpret others’ actions through a lens of suspicion or fear, hindering our ability to form trusting, stable connections. For example, a simple cancelled plan might trigger anxiety or a sense of abandonment, deeply rooted in past traumas.

Differences in Sensory Sensitivities

Differences in sensory sensitivities can be both a positive and a challenge in ND/ND friendships. On the positive side, ND friends often share an awareness of sensory challenges, making it easier to choose environments that accommodate these sensitivities, such as avoiding overcrowded and loud venues. However, challenges may arise when sensory preferences clash. For instance, individuals with autism might find people with ADHD talk too loudly and too much.

Final Thoughts

Our neurodivergent communities are life changing and healing sanctuaries, especially if  after many years of being misunderstood and feeling out of place in The Wild. But, our challenges mean that we have to do the work as individuals and as a group to create and maintain that feeling of safety and belonging.

If you're looking for like-minded individuals who get you, I encourage you to explore local Meetup groups or use locals.org to find a neurodivergent community near you.

And if there isn't one in your area, why not set one up? I did that a year ago and it was one of the best things I ever did.

FYI: this isn't a sponsored or affiliate post. I’ve mentioned Meetup because I use it, not because I’m waving their flag for a few extra quid. And as for the locals app, I’ve not tried it yet. So, every word here is straight from me, no sponsorships attached.