Neurodivergent + Neurotypical Friendships - The Glass Wall that Divides Us

Us neurodivergents often struggle to connect with, interact with and maintain friendships with Neurotypicals.It can feel like there's a glass wall between us.

I am Jeanie Gee, a Neurodivergent former SEN teacher running two thriving neurodivergent communities. The first is a ridiculously large online group, and the second one is a much smaller, close knit group where we chat daily on WhatsApp and meet regularly in real life . I write blogs way less frequently than I’d like to, providing insight to what it is really like being a neurodivergent. My blogs are based on polls that I run across both groups, discussions with other group members and personal experience.

I lose friends like a squirrel loses acorns. You could throw a party in a stadium for my ex friends and it would be packed. What a party that would be!😬

I lose friends like a squirrel loses acorns

Interestingly, this Big Ex Friends party would be almost  exclusively populated by neurotypicals. I don’t tend to fall out with neurodivergents nearly as much.

Slightly- to mildly bothered, and moderately curious if this is an experience shared by other neurodivergents, I decided to ask around in both my online and real-life neurodivergent circles.

After many discussions with fellow neurodivergents, I found that their friendship difficulties corroborated with mine. So I decided to widen my net, ask more people and gather some data. I ran two polls: one in my Facebook group, where 1000 NDs have participated, and another in my IRL group through WhatsApp, with 30 ND members sharing their thoughts.

In these two polls, I asked neurodivergents to pick from a list of reasons that resonate with their experience of challenges in ND+NT friendships. This divide seems to be because of the fundamentally   different ways we process information and communicate, and this significantly impacts how we interact and connect with each other.

The poll asked Neurodivergents only:

‘What do you find to be the main challenges of ND+NT friendships?

What makes you want to say 'Nope’ to events with NTs?’

Categories are listed below along with the percentage of responders that selected them. Multiple answers were enabled. Results are shown for the large online poll. Results for the smaller poll was similar but not identical

Categories:

1.    Feeling Like we don’t Belong 24%

2.    Masking (Suppressing ND Behaviour) Leading to Anxiety and Energy Drain 25%

3.     Anxiety About Following unwritten rules/etiquette 15%

4.     Feeling Shame/ judged when we ‘get it wrong’ 17%

5.     Not Enjoying Small Talk/Superficial Chat 21%

6.     Feeling Like We Can't Be Honest About Our Opinions 15%

7.     Agreeing to Go to Stressful Places 19%

8.     Being Seen as Too Intense 16%

9.     Being Misunderstood 18%

10.Feeling ‘trapped’ like we can’t leave when we want to or we will be seen as rude or boring 18%

****10% of responders voted ‘all of the above, so I added 10% to each percentage of all the categories***

Feeling Like We Don't Belong 24%

Nearly a quarter of us neurodivergents, including myself, report feeling a deep sense of not belonging during interactions with neurotypicals and in society.

I used to genuinely think I was an alien. And sometimes I still think I am. I mean maybe I am, it would explain a lot. What is remarkable is that so many other neurodivergents also think they were aliens. They probably also still secretly do, but none have admitted that to me yet 👽

This feeling of not belonging is horrendously uncomfortable and lonely.

This gnawing sense of loneliness and not belonging has been my shadow for as long as I remember. I have only started to feel some relief after finding solace and genuine connections within my neurodivergent communities.  Now, being part of these communities has made me feel like I belong somewhere. I belong in this little pocket of the world, and this has been life changing for me.  

Masking (Suppressing ND Behaviour) Leading to Anxiety and Energy Drain 26%

Like almost every neurodivergent I know, I mask around most neurotypicals. Masking is suppressing our natural neurodivergent behaviour in order  to meet societal  expectations.In other words trying to ‘not be weird'. The pressure of feeling we should mask comes from sensing strongly that our ‘weird’ neurodivergent traits are not going to be accepted by the people we are with, and 26% of us it is a significant source of anxiety and exhaustion

Masking commonly includes following The Rules (what you are expected to do), sticking to The Script (what you are expected to say) enduring having our eyeballs relentlessly stared at 👁️👁️,and doing our best to reciprocate the eyeball gazing 👁️👁️ feigning interest in topics we don’t enjoy, pretending we haven’t zoned out during conversations, hiding stimming behaviours, pretending we arent anxious or uncomfortable, trying our best not to talk too loudly, too quietly,or too excitedly,basically doing our best not to say or do anything 'weird'

Masking involves constantly analysing and interpreting social cues, monitoring and adjusting our actions, words, and our natural reactions, to appear 'neurotypical.' This vigilance not only feels inauthentic but also requires a tremendous amount of mental and emotional effort, can cause huge anxiety and is mentally exhausting. Doing this constantly can really erode our sense of identity and confidence as it leaves little room for our true self to be expressed.

The  persistent fear of being 'found out, the stress of not being accepted for who we are, and the disappointment of not being able to express our  true self is possibly the most damaging aspect of masking as it contributes to the insidious sense of not belonging  in our friendship groups and in society.

Anxiety About Following Unwritten Rules/Etiquette 15%

‘The World is Alive with Unwritten Rules’ sang Fraulein Maria

15% of Neurodivergents experience intense anxiety around following The Rules and Etiquette. We fret about being inadvertently inappropriate, causing offense and embarrassing ourselves. The anxiety is intense in anticipation of, during, and after social events, especially in unfamiliar and unpredictable situations, and around people who we feel will judge us when we mess up The Rules.

It's commonly believed that neurodivergents struggle with understanding body language, tone of voice, or social cues. Ok this is true sometimes. But we don’t always misread non verbal communication. In my neurodivergent community, jokes only have to be explained sometimes and clarification for whether someone is being sarcastic is only necessary occasionally.

Here’s the important part. Many of us are acutely aware when we've been ‘weird’ and made things weird.

So we might sometimes miss the joke, or occasionally not get that someone is being sarcastic but we can sense awkward vibes intensely. And its excruciatingly uncomfortable for us. This heightened sensitivity to others' negative reactions is part of a neurodivergent phenomenon called hyper empathy.

An often overlooked aspect by neurotypicals is that some of us neurodivergents are not particularly motivated to learn or follow The Rules. You could say some of us are sceptical of The Rules. They can seem alien and pointless to some of us. We have a reputation for not adhering to rules we find illogical or unnecessary, especially those of us with ADHD. Consequently, many of us have frequently question why neurotypicals follow these seemingly arbitrary rituals and why there's such pressure to conform to them.

This “Rule Scepticism” contributes to our discomfort in social settings. Paradoxically, even though the point of these rules might baffle some of us neurodivergents, the fear of misinterpreting or getting them wrong can be quite overwhelming. It’s like being made to dance when you don’t want to. A dance where you don’t know the moves. But you must perform or else the neurotypicals will be displeased. And for the 15% of us who dont want that, we find ourselves going through the motions dutifully, simultaneously unmotivated, self conscious and anxious.

Whoop there it is

I acknowledge that neurotypicals also experience concern about adhering to social norms and expectation. But for the 15% of us neurodivergents, these aren’t merely worries. Unfamiliar or unpredictable events can lead to extreme anxiety with rumination and spiralling, out of control emotional dysregulation.

Any social scenarios with their own sets of The Rules that we aren’t familiar with / feel we might get it wrong/ feel we will be judged can and make us spiral.

For some of us,this is the stuff of nightmares:

Dress Code requirements; Workplace Etiquette, Dining Etiquette, Wedding Etiquette , Funeral Etiquette; Gift-Giving Customs and Protocol; Meeting people we haven’t met before. Ok general Peopling

I have nothing to wear 😭

Feeling Shame/ judged when we ‘get it wrong’ 18%

Shame is felt when our 'mask' slips and The Neurotypicals judge us. And then they might look at us like this 🥲

I’ve written about shame and how it is weaponised to control other peoples’ behaviour. Shame is a profound feeling of embarrassment, humiliation, or guilt, typically arising from the perception of having done something wrong or failed to meet social or personal standards.Nobody is a winner in The Shame Game, but it hits us Neurodivergents especially hard. Our sensitivity to shame is profound, deeply affecting us. Shame can lead to severe anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and, ongoing shaming cause trauma over time.

Shame is felt when our 'mask' slips, exposing our neurodivergent ways to people who we feel are judging us. Shame isn’t a direct result of our social awkwardness but the response to our awkwardness. I mean, we probably wont lie awake at night obsessing that our stuffed unicorn saw that we had spinach between our teeth after dinner. But we definitely will obsess about if we find out that spinach was between our teeth during an entire date.

If you are neurotypical and reading this, firstly ‘hey there NT thanks for reading 👋 Secondly you need to know that, in the immortal words of @HanaMichels (X) if we ever accidentally made it weird, we will think about it every night for the next 50 years.

Neurodivergent behaviours that we will be upset with ourselves for accidentally doing when interacting with neurotypicals: Being straightforward with our opinions, not saying the expected things, showing too much excitement, showing too little excitement, expressing discomfort in overwhelming situations, not adhering to dress codes, interrupting, getting lost, oversharing being physically uncoordinated, stimming in ways considered 'inappropriate,' or 'oversharing' – talking openly about personal topics rather than sticking to light, impersonal subjects like the weather.

Neurotypicals will let us know that we have made an oopsy and acted too neurodivergent by doing the following:

• Making comments (indirect ones mais oui), such as these classics ‘ha ha, what are you like’ ‘calm down, jeez’ ‘you are being so dramatic’ or belittling comments disguised as ‘banter’

• Occasionally making direct comments calling us ‘Rude…scatty..selfish. Usually these will be made by family members, friends don’t tend to be as direct

• Making it clear they’re in judging mode by making mean comments about other people. That means what you do will be scrutinised by them too

• Non verbally communicating that they think you are weird. Examples are laughing at you, rolling their eyes, excluding you in conversations, patronising you and giving off an energy that most of us neurodivergents are extremely sensitive to

Shame is closely related to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), which is when we experience intense emotional pain due to real or perceived rejection or criticism. Symptoms of RSD include overwhelming sadness, sometimes to the point of suicidal ideation, extreme anxiety, intense feelings of worthlessness, self doubt  loneliness and feeling everyone is upset with you or doesn’t like you

After socialising, many of us find ourselves obsessively going over all the interaction we had, fixating and cringing at any awkward moments. Don’t say we don’t know how to have fun after a party

We don’t just worry before events. Oh no, we are much more fun than that. We also fret in advance. Some of us rehearse possible conversations and scenarios, a common neurodivergent strategy for managing anxiety in an upcoming unfamiliar scenario. By rehearsing, we increase predictability and decrease chance of us freezing or going ‘blank’ during interactions by practising likely outcomes and responses.  

Not Enjoying Small Talk/Superficial Chat 21% & being seen as too intense 16%

Top Small Talk Skills IMO 👌

Many of us Neurodivergents  find small talk or superficial conversations unstimulating and awkward. Even when we are ‘good at it’, small talk can  feels like a bizarre  scripted role play.

Its not that we don’t like talking, its The Rules associated with Small Talk. During small talk, it’s not ok to be fully honest about our well-being or divulge that we are arguing with someone. We mustn’t be too loud or too excited, talk about our niche topics and we must tolerate having our eyeballs stared at. We have to feign interest in topics that don’t even slightly interest us and we must remember to ask questions, but not too many. I’ll stop now as I am sure you aware of The Rules. But let us spare a thought for introverted neurodivergents who find small talk excruciating. There is a reason someone made the meme below:

When I meet up with my neurodivergent friends, we get deep really quickly. Once I was discussing an RSD episode as I was still taking my coat off having had arrived at the venue 7 seconds earlier. I loved it!!!

This would never feel ok with neurotypicals. Many times I’ve veered off the script and been told I was intense and definitely felt the awkward vibes as they looked at eachother like ‘who brought this weirdo along’. Ok so you don’t want to know about my guinea pigs or my take on simulation theory, fine.

Feeling Like We Can't Be Honest About Our Opinions 15%

Neurotypicals have an interesting relationship with the truth and so they are very rarely direct in their communication. They tend not to say what they mean and instead make indirect references, drop cryptic hints, or communicate a different message non verbally to what they are saying verbally.

This behaviour is so ingrained and normalised among neurotypicals and in our society, that when we communicate directly we are often made to feel as if we are being rude, offensive,ignorant or lacking in social skills. This can really add to our anxiety as we have to put considerable effort into communicating in a way that is not natural for us.

Like many  neurodivergents, I find it incredibly frustrating and confusing  when people aren't direct in their communication. Having to decipher what is actually being communicated and being constantly on alert for non-verbal clues and cues can be confusing, overwhelming and draining. Not only is this approach to communicating draining,  but also often leads to misunderstandings.

I’m going to end this section with this statement. Statistics show that the number one cause of all relationship breakdowns is misunderstandings and poor communication (google it). Sooo maybe our way might be the more efficient way? Just going to leave that there to marinade

Agreeing to Go to Stressful Places 19%

Way to often we agree to attend social events in environments that are overwhelming and stressful for us, such as loud, crowded, or finish too late. Many of us suffer with sensory sensitivities such as misophonia, auditory processing difficulties and tactile sensitivities, crowded and loud venues can trigger an intense sensory overload, leading to emotion dysregulation that we feel unable to express because we don’t want to be seen as difficult.

Because we are seen as difficult by neurotypicals when we complain

So we smile on the outside while battling Hulk feelings on the inside.

The cycle of agreeing to attend stressful events, experiencing sensory overload, and then dealing with the aftermath makes almost 20% of us want to say nope to socialising

Pressure to Stay Longer Than We Want to Stay 18%

When socialising, our social battery can run dead way before its ‘the polite time to leave’ for nearly 20% us neurodivergents. People with ADHD often experience high energy levels followed by sudden drops, making extended or late-night socialising hard work. Personally,  I find that my social energy typically runs low after just 2-3 hours, especially when I'm masking or unable to engage in topics that interest me. This leaves me feeling anxious and trapped, eager to retreat to solitude so that I can recharge.

Yet, there's often a strong pressure from others to remain at these events longer than comfortable. Phrases like 'stay a bit longer' or 'have another drink' tend to amplify my stress,  trigger my RSD as I feel I am not meeting the expectations of my friends.

So what do I do? Like many neurodivergents, I drink alcohol to increase tolerance and stamina. This is not ideal but luckily I am generally a light drinker, although I have overdone it many many times in the past. Many neurodivergents overdrink or take bad illegal things to override the energy slump and awkwardness. But obviously drug and alcohol abuse can increase post event anxiety in the long run, take a toll on our physical wellbeing and lead to addiction.

Being Misunderstood 18%

For all the reasons above, us NDs are often misunderstood by NTs. Our directness and unique social approach is often seen as ‘weird’, attention seeking or inappropriate by NT’s, leading to miscommunication, and a feeling of disapproval or rejection that we acutely perceive. Also no wonder we are misunderstood when we feel unable to be ourselves.

Conclusion

These are the main reasons that makes many of us want to stay at home and watch Netflix instead of socialising with neurotypicals. Through finding my neurodivergent tribe I now realise how different socialising can be. Remove the Rules, the expectations, the judgements and shaming and you create a safe place where everyone can be ourselves

It has been life changing for me and many members in our neurodivergent group have said the same thing.

I am deeply thankful to have found a safe space where I can gradually  learn to unmask, knowing that I am accepted for who I am, and not a fake character that I can no longer sustain 

But! Neurodivergent + Neurodivergent friendships is not always smooth sailing in a dream boat. These friendships too have difficulties and take effort, introspection, compromise and empathy to work. But with neurodivergents the difference is that I don’t feel as if I am sacrificing my identity, happiness and soul for our friendships to thrive. I will explore neurodivergent + neurodivergent friendships the next time I manage to get my ADHD ass to write something. I tell myself it’ll be next week but who knows really

Update : Follow up post on ND+ND friendships can be found here